Anticipatory Grief: How to Cope When a Loved One Has Advanced Cancer.
- Christina
- May 19
- 7 min read
“What do you do when the goodbye hasn’t come, but the grief has already begun? The answer may be simpler than you think—and it starts with embracing every feeling.”
Imagine yourself in a hospital room. The sterile smell, the flickering lights, and the quiet hum of machines, all while your loved one sleeps amongst the eerie kind of stillness. And there you are, sitting on the edge of your seat, waiting to hear something - or anything, that will tell you what comes next for your loved one. You look at them lying there. They look unrecognisable to you now. You know there’s no cure for their cancer, and the inevitable is just around the corner. But here’s the thing: your grief started long ago. It doesn’t start when they’re gone, it’s been with you since the day you were told they had cancer and there were no other options.
Anticipatory grief is real, and it’s more than just a feeling—it’s an entire emotional landscape that you’re navigating without a map. If you’ve found yourself here, you might be feeling sick to the stomach, wondering how to cope with all that's going on. Let me tell you something - this grief, although heavy, is the reflection of your love and deep connection with your loved one. And while this grief might feel as though it doesn't have a clear ending, there is a way to find your footing through it all - it's starts with embrace your emotions and, most importantly, honour the love that’s right in front of you.
What Is Anticipatory Grief, Anyway?
It’s not just grief for the anticipation of the death that’s coming - it’s the grief for everything that’s already been taken away from you. It's the grief you feel for the moments you've missed and the moments you may never share again. For the walks, the talks, the laughter and all that’s now dimmed. The truth is, anticipatory grief is grieving the “not yet”, the loss that you know is coming but hasn’t quite arrived. And while it’s an emotional minefield to walk through, knowing how to navigate it will help you find your footing.
Grief, even when you haven’t lost someone yet, can feel so overwhelming. You might wonder, “How am I supposed to grieve when they’re still here?” And yet, it happens. Cancer isn’t just a physical illness; it’s a deeply emotional experience, too. And anticipatory grief is the silent companion you never asked for—yet it’s been there all along, quietly creeping in, often without warning.
You see, like all grief, it's not a linear process. It’s complex. It’s grief mixed with hope, love, fear, helplessness, and sometimes even moments of unexpected joy, all as you hold on to the now. It’s the soul-deep knowing that your loved one may be here today and that everything will be different tomorrow.
You’re Not Alone in This Struggle
I get it - this experience can feel so isolating. It feels like the world is going on as per normal around you, and no one understands what it’s like to sit all those hours in that waiting room, while you feel your heart being ripped open, checking that your loved one is still breathing. But trust me, there are so many people out there who feel exactly what you’re feeling.
Studies show that around one in four caregivers experience anticipatory grief.* You don’t have to go through this struggle in silence. Talking about it, and listening to other’s experiences - no matter how uncomfortable - can all be an opportunity bring healing into your heart.
Grief Is More Than Just Sadness
In the world of anticipatory grief, the emotions are messy, unpredictable, and they come in waves. Some days, it might feel like you’re walking through fog, with no clear way forward. The good news is that the fog eventually starts to lift as you find your way through the grief.
Four emotional layers you might be grappling with right now:
Living in Two Worlds: You’re here, in the present, managing treatments, running errands, helping with daily tasks, but your mind is often thinking about the future, anticipating the loss that’s yet to come. It’s exhausting to live in two places at once.
Grieving What’s Already Gone: As you watch your loved one decline, you begin grieving the parts of them that are already slipping away. It could be the conversations you’ll never have again, the holidays and activities you love sharing, or even perhaps their personality has changed and they aren’t the same. Every decline is a tiny death in itself.
Guilt and Anxiety: There’s a voice inside you that asks, “Is it wrong to feel this way? How long can they go on? How am I going to be?” You might feel guilt for thinking in this way and grieving while they are still with you, but this grief is totally normal. And you’re allowed to grieve now. In fact, it’s perfectly natural.
Hope and Fear in Tandem: Two things are true when cancer comes in your world. Hope and fear are two parts that can surface all at once—hope for a miracle or better days ahead mixed with the reality of loss. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel it all at once.
As grief expert David Kessler says, “Grief is not just for after loss; it’s an acknowledgment of the love we have for someone we might lose.” So, as much as it hurts right now, allow yourself to feel that sorrow, the despair, the fear, the anger, the hope or whatever it is for you. Allow yourself to feel it all. And give yourself permission to cry, scream, or even laugh when the moment feels right. It’s all natural, so let it be.
The Antidote to Anticipatory Grief:
So, how do you cope with this grief that comes before the goodbye? How do you find your way in the middle of the storm? Here are five steps you can take right now to help you navigate this complicated emotional terrain.
1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve:
It’s easy to tell yourself that you should be “strong” for your loved one. But here’s the thing: being strong doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings. In fact, acknowledging your grief is one of the most powerful things you can do. Take time each day to allow what you’re feeling. You don’t have to like the feelings, just allow them to be there with you. Whether it’s journaling, crying, or talking it out with someone who understands, allowing yourself to be in and express your grief can be a powerful antidote to the pain. As world renown grief expert David Kessler says, “When you allow grief, you allow healing.”
2. Find Your Support Team
Grief doesn’t have to be something you go through alone. Talk to family members, friends, or even a therapist who can guide you through the emotional rollercoaster. And don’t forget about support groups – there’s heaps out there and being with people who share in this lived experience can lighten the emotional load and give you the space to breathe again.
3. Practice Self-Care—Yes, You Matter Too!
I know, I know, when you are in the thick of it, thinking about your own needs feels like a luxury you don’t have time for. But self-care isn’t a luxury but a necessity when you’re grieving. You cannot pour from an empty cup! So taking a moment just for you wil help you to recharge to help you through. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant - maybe it’s a walk in the park, reading a book, or listening to your favourite music in the car. If you need tips on self care check out my top tips on transforming your self care into strength. The key is to find moments of peace to ground you and allow you to connect in with you.
4. Focus on the Present (Find Meaning in the Now)
Even though the future is uncertain, there’s still meaning in the moments you share today. It could be something simple, like holding hands, sharing a quiet meal, or watching a favourite TV show together. These moments are precious, and they matter. Focus on creating memories that honour your loved one while they’re still here and allow love to shine through.
5. Get Professional Help If You Need It
Sometimes, anticipatory grief can feel overwhelming. It’s okay to seek professional help if it all gets too much for you. A therapist who specializes in grief can help you navigate the complex emotions you’re experiencing. It’s okay to ask for help.
Embrace Your Love
At the end of the day, anticipatory grief is really a love story - a story of the bond you share with your loved one. I didn’t say it’s the easiest story to move through though. What I do know is that it’s one of the greatest tests you’ll encounter in life, and, it will reveal the depth of the love and bond you share with your loved one. So, give yourself permission to grieve, to feel all those uncomfortable feelings, and to hold on to hope.
And it’s okay to not have all the answers. You don’t have to have everything figured out to get through this. In fact, the more you can allow the process to unfold, not matter how messy it may seem, the easier it becomes.
If you’ve experienced anticipatory grief, I’d love for you to share your story. How have you navigated the ups and downs? What’s helped you get through each day? Leave a comment or send a message. You’re not alone in this journey, and your life and experience matters too.
For now, may you travel through the lands of grief gently, and find that source of love and light in your heart.
Much love,
Christina xx
Christina is a holistic social worker, Matrix Reimprinting, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) practitioner and Reiki master-teacher with a love of holistic practices to enhance wellbeing.
She works with people to free themselves from their grief struggles including those experienced through cancer, so they can move through life with more ease and confidence, all while honouring their loved ones and themselves in their own unique way.
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