Is my grief normal?
- Christina S
- Jun 10, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Feb 11
Is my grief normal?
If you’re experiencing grief, at some stage you might start to wonder if your grief is normal, and whether your grief will be this way forever. And while these are very common questions when grieving, when it comes to grief, there really isn’t a normal way to grieve.
What is normal grief?
Like everything in society we are often expected to conform and follow a set of standards and rules, to fit in and be good contributing citizens. But when it comes to grief, normal rules don’t really apply and what might be normal for one person might not be the same for the next.
"Just like you, grief is unique."
There are so many factors that come into play when trying to define what is “normal”, especially when it comes to grief.
For example would you consider it to be normal to wake up each morning with a sense of dread about facing the world knowing that your loved one is no longer lying next to you? And how long would you say it’s ok to feel this way? Would you consider it normal to continue wearing your wedding ring years after the death of a your husband or wife? And for how long would you say this is normal for? Or would you consider it normal to avoid going to your ex-partner’s favourite café after you’ve broken up? And what about talking to a photo of your deceased child or partner?
If you were to ask these questions to a room filled with people, across different cultures you might be surprised to find an equally diverse number of responses. So what might be normal for you, might not be normal for the next person. Welcome to the world of grief, a world where there is no real normal!
So how can I tell if my grief reactions are normal?
On any typical day our thoughts, emotions, sensations, behaviours, ways of coping with daily life, supports systems, learning styles and personalities vary greatly. But we really don’t go about our day questioning whether we move through our day in a normal way? Well I like to think we don’t anyway. So why is it we question whether our grief reactions are normal then?
Perhaps it’s to do with the intensity in which we experience our grief. Let’s be real, grief can get super intense and make us super uncomfortable at times, especially if you’re not seasoned at experiencing the full spectrum of your emotional potential. In addition we are often in company of people who may not be experiencing grief in the way we do or even at all, and we can easily fall into the trap of comparisons or what I call he dreaded “shoulds (e.g.“I should be over this by now, right?”).
It’s important to know the intensity in which you experience grief is also dependent on the type of loss you are experiencing, be it the person or pet who has died or the unique circumstances you find yourself in. For example in the early stages of bereavement (e.g. death of a loved one), the quality or relationship you have to you deceased loved one and significance of that person in your life will determine the intensity of your grief reactions, along with the thoughts you have about their death (e.g. how it happened, when it happened etc) and any associated secondary losses you may be experiencing (e.g. loss of income, loss of your dreams or plans you formed together, loss of friendships and much more). No two experiences of loss are ever the same. No wonder grief can feel so confusing!
In addition, all those intense emotions that can surface during bereavement like sadness, yearning, anger, guilt, pain and more all have an important role to play. They give us information and clues about what we hold as sacred and important. They connect us to our values, remind us of our connection to our loved ones, to our experiences and a life we’ve shared. Plus they help us to maintain a continued bond with our loved ones. And whilst these grief reactions and experiences can feel all consuming at times, knowing how to ride through the storms is where we discover our sense of feeling normal.
It can be helpful to note, that your experience of grief will also change with you over time and this doesn’t mean you will forget your loved one/s or your experiences. Whether we like it or not we are constantly changing. Our bodies, society, relationships and circumstances are constantly changing. We accumulate life experiences, skills and perspectives that shape our experience of grief over time as we adapt to our environments and life experiences.
So back to the question. What is a normal grief reaction then? Well, it depends. It depends on you, how you react in different situations, what life was like before your loss, how you feel about your reactions and how you live life generally.
So I say instead of trying to figure out what’s normal, perhaps just be you in your fullness and uniqueness and instead know when it’s time to reach out for help.
If there is no normal, then how do I know when to ask for help?
It’s important to get to the core of your curiosity on whether your grief is normal. Instead of asking if my grief is normal, consider what you truly want to know. Is there a part of your grief experience that is problematic or bothering you in some way? Perhaps you are questioning your ability to deal with uncertainty or particular daily tasks that you aren’t used to dealing with?
Instead of questioning whether you are normal or if your grief is normal, consider asking yourself some alternative questions, like:
- Are my grief related feelings and reactions dominating my life in some way or stopping me from living a meaningful life?
- Am I so overwhelmed by my grief that I’m unable to function or perform daily tasks in a way I’d like to?
- Are my behaviours keeping me stuck and unable to enjoy the fullness that life has to offer me?
- Are my behaviours putting me or others at risk in any way – are they harmful or dangerous?
If it seems as though your grief is getting the better of you, is persistent and you suspect it may be complicating life even more than before (yes there is such a thing as complicated /prolonged grief) you may want to consider seeking professional mental health supports or linking into existing mental health supports. There are so many wonderful organisations available to help support you in your grief like Grief Australia and there are some helpful grief information resources online such as What’s Your Grief.
And if you are looking to reduce the intensity of your grief reactions you may want to include Emotional Freedom Technique or Matrix Reimprinting in your self care toolkit.
For now, be you in your uniqueness and fullness of your grief.
Christina
If there are areas you struggle with in relation to your grief and would like to know more about the power of EFT or Matrix Reimprinting then contact me for a free 15 min consultation.
Alternatively check out my latest tapping for grief video’s here or on YouTube. While you are there, like or comment on the video so more people who struggle with grief can access this information.
Christina is a cancer social worker, Matrix Reimprinting, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) practitioner and Reiki master-teacher with a love of energy psychology and mindfulness practices.
She works with people to free themselves from their grief struggles so they can move through life with more ease, confidence, love and joy, all while honouring their loved ones and themselves in their own unique way.
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