Grief Myths That Keep You Stuck, And What to Believe Instead.
- Christina S
- Jun 9
- 7 min read
The Truth About Grief That No One Told You.
“Grief is not a problem to be solved. It’s a human experience waiting for your full attention. And within it’s wisdom lies transformation.”
If you’ve lost someone you love, and you’re in that first raw, disorienting year of grief, then you’ve probably heard some version of this:
“Time heals all wounds.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You just need to be strong.”
Sound familiar?
If so, you’ve also probably felt the urge to scream (or crumble) in response.
Because here's the truth—most of what people say about grief isn’t just unhelpful... it’s wrong.
That’s where grief myths come in.
These are the phrases, beliefs, and assumptions, or what I like to refer to as ‘cultural fields of misinformation’ that circulate in our culture, society, and even in wellbeing spaces. They sound good. They’re repeated often, almost without thinking. And they create shame, confusion, and isolation for people who are already hurting.
So in this article, let's debunk the 6 biggest grief myths you’re likely to hear especially if your navigating the first 12 months after a major loss.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I grieving the right way?” then this is for you.
Why Grief Myths Are Dangerous
Grief myths don’t just mislead you, they harm.
They tell you there's a finish line to your pain.
They make you question if you're "overreacting or doing this thing called grief right”.They shame you into silence.
And when that happens, grief gets pushed around.
It get’s buried. Avoided.
But here’s the thing. What you avoid in grief only grows stronger.
So let’s break the cycle and find a more resourceful way through it all.
Myth #1: You Should Be Over It By Now.
The first year of grief is often brutal.
You’re relearning how to live, how to breathe, and function in a world without someone you love. So why do we pretend that 12 months is enough to wrap that all up in a neat little package?
Accoring to neuroscientist Dr. Mary Frances O’Connor, grief is a neurological adaptation. Your brain is trying to update its internal map in which your loved one no longer physically exists.
This doesn’t stop after a year. If anything, the second year can often feel harder, because the initial shock has worn off, the body’s biochemical response is more settled and now it’s just you and the silence.
Instead of “Are we there yet?” consider this…
Grief doesn’t end in a year. It evolves. And your timeline with grief is your own.
Myth #2: Grief Happens in 5 Predictable Stages
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. You know how it goes.
It’s the most Googled model of grief around, and it's also the most misunderstood.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed these stages for people facing their own death, not for those left behind. And while her work is foundational, it wasn’t meant to become a to-do list for the mourners.
Even Elisabeth Kubler Ross herself stated that grief is not linear. You don’t pass a stage and move to the next. It’s an individual experience and for some may feel like a loop, a spiral or something completely different..
David Kessler (who co-authored with Kübler-Ross) added a 6th stage: Meaning. And even that is considered to be fluid. You don’t find meaning. You create it slowly, gently, and over time.
Instead of a Staged Grief Approach, consider this…
There are no “stages” in grief. There are waves.
They emerge out of nowhere. At times, they ebb and flow. On some days the waves are calm while other’s may be stormy. What matters most is how you ride those waves.
Myth #3: If You’re Not Crying, You’re Not Grieving
Grief isn’t always loud, nor should it be.
This is one I hear often get in session and it sounds like this: "my family and friends say that "I just need a good cry, that I'm not dealing with my grief or my cancer diagnoses because I'm not crying".
Sound familiar? I literally just had this conversation with a client who began to doubt her own cancer experience so far and asked me if she was avoiding her pain. After a deep exploration of her life and values, how she naturally overcame challenges in life, it was crystal clear she was unlikely to cry the way her family and friends would.
This is an all too common scenario in my practice. So if this is you, if you are questioning if you are grieving properly, then consider this:
Some days, grief looks like crying in the shower.
Other days, it looks like scrolling through old photos in silence, cancelling plans to catch up on rest, organizing your pantry or joining a charitable fun run in honour of your loved one.
The thing is, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. If you want to make sense of how you might move through your grief, look to the way you naturally go about life.
According to grief researchers, people tend to grieve in two styles:
Intuitive grief (emotional, expressive)
Instrumental grief (action-based, internal)
Neither is right or wrong. They’re just different languages of grief.
So no, if you’re not crying every day, or even at all, it doesn’t mean you’re not grieving.
Instead of questioning your grief, consider this:
Grief has many faces. Yours is unique to you, even if it's quiet or less likely to involve tears.
Myth #4: Grief Is Something You Get Through and Leave Behind
Here’s the harsh reality of loss:
You don’t “move on.”
You move forward with it.
We don’t let go of the people we love. We let go of trying to get back to who we were before the loss.
There’s a big difference.
In fact, studies show that people who maintain a “continuing bond” with their loved one - through memories, rituals, conversation, often experience more peace and resilience over time.
So instead of Trying to Get Over Grief, consider this: You don’t have to forget to heal. You can carry love and loss together, in your own unique way.
Myth #5: Talking About Grief Makes It Worse
This is a myth rooted in emotional avoidance.
People are uncomfortable with pain - so they’ll avoid yours and may not even ask about it or say their name. Avoiding pain doesn’t make grief disappear. It makes it isolating.
A grief that is witnessed and shared,is eased.
Speaking your pain doesn’t keep you stuck. It frees you. It can help you see through the fog. It creates space to breathe.
Whether you talk to a therapist, listen to a podcast, speak with a friend, journal, or talk to your future self, allow your grief voice air time. Even if you don’t know what to say, start with that “ I don’t know what to say or do”.
Instead of suffering in silence, consider this:
Talking is a path to healing. Silence isn’t strength—it’s suffocation.
Myth #6: Grief Has a Timeline
Let’s end with one of my favourites…
How long will grief take?
Ummmm….sorry but there is no timeline.
Some people feel intense grief for months. Others feel “okay” for a while—then fall apart in following years. Some carry grief for years, for life, woven into their identity. It’s all grief. It’s all completely natural and it’s real.
While the DSM-5 (Diagnostic manual for mental health disorders) now lists “Prolonged Grief Disorder” in it’s diagnostic pages, even in that acknowledgement, context still matters.
Your culture, your relationship, your circumstances, all shape your grief and your timeline.
Your timeline does not need to belong to anyone else other than you.
So instead of trying to figure out if grief has a roadmap or timeline, consider this:
Grief is an unique as you are, so allow it to evolve in whatever way and time it needs.
You’re Not Failing at Grief. You’re Just Grieving.
The first year of grief is overwhelming.
You're trying to survive, not ‘getting over anything.’
You’re not broken because you still cry. You're not strange because you still talk to them. And you're not behind because you're still grieving.
You're human.
You're loving.
You're remembering and honouring.
And that is grief.
Grief-Tapping Statements for Releasing Unrealistic Grief Expectations.
EFT Tapping is an evidence based stress management technique clinically proven to reduce stress, emotional overwhelm, and trauma symptoms including those that arrive with grief.
Try these set up statements then tap through the 8 points using your own words:
“Even though I feel like I’m doing grief wrong…I choose to trust my process.
Even though I carry expectations from others…I give myself space to grieve in my own way.I honour my love. I honour my loss. And I allow this moment to just be.”
"Even though I'm not sure how I'm meant to be grieving...I completely accept myself as I am".
Breathe.
Repeat.
Allow and Be You.
Need More Support?
Grief doesn’t end, but support can make all the difference.
Subscribe to Energy Within You on YouTube for calming tapping videos, grief talks, and tools that meet you where you are in your grief.
Download the free Tapping for Grief guide
Book a Free 15-Minute Consult if you want someone to walk beside you, not ahead of you.
Because your grief deserves more than the typical cliches. It deserves compassion.
It deserves to be witnessed, shared and experienced.
And so do you.
Christina is a holistic social worker, Matrix Reimprinting, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) practitioner and Reiki master-teacher with a love of holistic practices to enhance wellbeing through grief.
She works with people to free themselves from their grief struggles including those experienced through cancer, so they can move through life with more ease and confidence, all while honouring their loved ones and themselves in their own unique way.
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