Understanding Grief: A Journey, Not a Destination

If you are new to experiencing grief, you might be wondering where the roadmap is. Grief is not a straight road with clear white marks or signs on the road. Grief is more like a vast ocean - sometimes it's calm, sometimes stormy, and at other times the water can be eerily still. With grief, there are days when you may feel like you are floating and other days, waves come crash over you, pulling you into the depths of pain, overwhelm and despair. Yet, with any grief storm, there's an unspoken, unseen force of energy that is guiding you back to land. So rather then seeing grief as an affliction, what if we reframed grief? What if we viewed grief as a journey, not a destination. By understanding grief as a process it allows for healing and personal growth.

What if, grief was viewed as a sacred initiation, a passage into discovering parts of yourself you never knew? What if, instead of fearing grief, you allowed it to reveal something profound about your life, your love, and the limitless potential of your being?

“Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a transformation to be lived.”

Understanding Grief. Breaking Free from Linear Thinking.

For decades, society has grappled with understanding grief and sought out roadmaps from beautifully crafted grief stages and grief tasks, with many misinterpreting their intent. Grief however is a journey, not a destination, and understanding grief as a process allows for healing and personal growth.

Pioneers in grief research have helped many of us understand the sometimes complicated yet natural experience of grief. If you were to ask anyone about grief theories, you are likely to hear about the 5 stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s from her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" in which she identified five key stages terminally ill patients can experience in their journey through end of life - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And whilst this work was never intended to be seen as a fixed linear path, many found it so eloquent a framework it was applied to other types of life changing experiences (which it was never intended for) like divorce and in dealing with the death of loved ones.

David Kessler, who worked alongside Kübler-Ross, then expanded on this foundational work with a Sixth Stage: 'Finding Meaning'—the idea that beyond acceptance, we can evolve through grief into the realms of deeper wisdom, love, and purpose.

And then there’s Klass, Silverman, and Nickman's 1996 book called Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Their theory suggests we can find new ways to carry our loved ones with us, by exploring ways to integrate their love into our very being.

Personally, I am drawn to the Dual Process Model of Grief by Stroebe & Schut's. This grief theory captures the ebb and flow of grief, the 'oscillating' between worlds, kind of like a pendulum swinging between two energetic realities, between mourning the loss and adapting to new life experiences with grief. It identifies a natural movement between:

• 'loss-orientated' experiences- that's when we might reflect on the loss, explore and be with grief emotions, reminisce or look at old photos and honour our loved ones and our experiences in whatever shape that comes, and

  
  

• 'restoration-oriented' experiences- the adjustment to daily life tasks, like taking on new roles or tasks that perhaps an old partner or deceased loved one used to take care of, or exploring new relationships or activities to help you discover new parts of your potential.

And the best part? With this grief theory, there's even time for chillin (binge TV time anyone?) so we can recharge those batteries to allow our systems time and space for the continued dance through grief.

For many people, having a helpful roadmap and clear signs of what to look for offers a sense of stability through the chaos is helpful. Yet anyone who has truly grieved knows the journey is far from linear and there are often unexpected twists and turns on the road. So my suggestion for you, if you are in search of a roadmap is to find a framework that feels right for you and to discover your own ebb and flow in grief.

Understanding The Diversity of Grief.

Just like the diversity of grief theories out there, there's a diversity of grief experiences and diversity of grief journeys.

Take for example, Jane (45) who lost her husband to a sudden heart attack. One moment, they were planning their future and the next, she was signing papers she never thought she’d ever see. Every morning, she woke up, expecting to hear his voice in the next room and at times she was sure he was holding her as she slept. The silence of not physically being with him was deafening. Some days, Jane sobbed uncontrollably. Some days, Jane would find herself determined to fix the door handle that kept wobbling, just like her husband would do. And on other days, she found herself unexpectedly laughing at the memory of him entertaining her with his rendition of Cookie monster from Sesame Street. Jane's experience reminds us that grief, is not linear and it never will be. And as for love, well, love doesn’t die—it simply changes form.

For 60 year old Mark, he’s been watching his mother slowly disappear into the depths of her Alzheimer’s. Every time he visits with her he notices a creeping lack of engagement, at times his mother forgets his name, and with each visit he feels he is losing her all over again. Mark's grief started many years ago, and for Mark, he drifts between feelings of guilt and sadness a she endures the slow ache of saying goodbye to the mother he once knew.

And for 55 year old Susan (recently divorced mother of two) her job was her life until it suddenly wasn’t. When she was made redundant following her divorce to her husband of 30 years, she realized her grief wasn’t about the loss of income, it was more about losing her sense of purpose and grieving parts of herself she missed through her time as mother, as a wife and leader in her field.

When life asks that we adapt to significant changes, we can find it overwhelming and forget that this overwhelm is part of a unique journey through grief. Grief doesn’t just apply to death or illness—it applies to any loss of self or change that requires us to change and adapt our way of being amidst these changes.

When it comes to grief it's more than just emotional—it is deeply energetic. It shifts our frequency, our nervous system, and is held in our cellular structure, recalling all prior events in which loss and adaptation occurred. Taking care of yourself, your energy, and your needs is the gateway to the path that allows you to expand your capacity to hold love and grief, in all forms with greater ease. So find whatever theory or approach works for you and allow the journey to unfold, naturally, in your own way.

Understanding Grief in the Body and Mind: A Storm Brewing Beneath the Surface.

Imagine a tree being struck by lightning. The damage isn’t always visible on the surface, but deep within it, the roots smolder, the inner rings crack, and the entire system struggles to recalibrate itself. This is what also happens in the human body.

When we experience loss, our nervous system registers this as a dramatic shift, kind of like a shock. Our body floods with stress hormones, heart rate increases, digestion slows down, and our immune system begins to weakens.

There are many ways that Grief can affect the body including:

• Tightness in the chest (the heart literally aches)

• Shortness of breath (as if grief takes the air from your lungs)

• Fatigue and exhaustion (kind of like the fatigue after a full-body workout)

• Brain fog and forgetfulness (the mind struggles to process the new reality)

• Physical pain (neck tension, headaches, stomach discomfort)

Grief is also stored in the cells, in the fascia (connective tissue) and in the nervous system. That’s why talking alone sometimes isn't enough—we must work through grief on a deeper, an embodied level or what I call ‘the energetic’ level.

Initial Grief Shock: When Reality Shatters

Imagine standing in front of a mirror, and suddenly, it cracks.

One moment, everything was picture perfect—your life, your plans, your identity. The next, you are staring at fractured pieces of yourself, unsure of how to put them back together. This is what grief shock can be like—like the initial rupture to your being, that shatters your sense of reality.

In the early days of grief, people often describe feeling numb, disoriented, in a time warp, or detached from life. The world moves forward, but you feel as though you're frozen in time. Some experience a surreal sense that their loved one is still just a phone call away, while others describe a feeling of watching life happen from a distance. This state of shock is your body’s way of protecting you. It keeps the full weight of the loss at bay until you are ready to ride the waves.

Ground your Grief with EFT tapping.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), also known as tapping, is a powerful and quick way to release incoherent energy stuck in the body. What do I mean by incoherent? It's the energy that feels restricted in the body and is not in your natural way of being. You can quickly ground out your grief by simply acknowledging what’s showing up and tapping to create a more calm, allowing you to move with more ease. If you are completely new to Tapping for Grief you may want to check out the Complete Starter Guide here. And if you are looking for a tapping script to get you started, you might like to try these suggestions when you are ready:

Start with a Set Up Phrase while you tap the Karate Chop point (side of your hand) and say something like this x3 times:

"Even though I feel lost in my grief, I deeply and completely accept myself." or

"Even though my heart aches and I don’t know where the future will take me, I honour this journey and trust that healing is unfolding."

Move through each of the eight tapping points using short reminder-phrases or statements about your grief experience like:

• Eyebrow: "This grief feels heavy in my body."

• Side of Eye: "Sometimes my grief feels disconnected and overwhelming."

• Under Eye: "Part of me doesn’t know how to move forward."

• Under Nose: "All this grief, all this love and loss."

• Chin: "Grief is here and that's ok."

• Collarbone: "I am safe in my body as I grieve."

• Under Arm: "I allow myself to feel the fullness of my grief."

• Top of Head: "I am grounded in love and I can grieve as I need."

Remember to breathe and repeat tapping rounds as needed until you notice there is no distress or unease remaining in your system.

For a full introduction to EFT tapping for grief that includes how tapping works, and a script watch my YouTube video "Getting Started with Tapping for Grief."

Transforming Your Grief Into a Pathway of Love

My hope for you as you embark on this grief journey, is that you discover grief is not a difficulty or something to get over. My hope is that you discover that grief is love, it’s an energetic experience that’s showing you a great healing opportunity and pathway or journey to self-discovery and healing.

Grief exists because we are connected beings. Grief shows us that we have loved deeply, that you have loved the parts of yourself that shone bright, and you loved the people in your life that contributed to life’s magical journey of learning and discovery.

So for now dear grief walker, consider this... what if grief wasn’t a sign of struggle but a portal into deeper wisdom and discovery about your true potential.

Your grief journey is sacred. Acknowledge it, honour it, find the approaches, theories and techniques that resonate with you, and let the lessons of discovery of your potential unfold in your own unique way.

For more grief resources:

→ Click for the FREE Tapping for Grief Guide or

→ Subscribe to my YouTube channel for more tapping and other holistic self regulating tools

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Christina is a holistic cancer social worker, Matrix Reimprinting, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) practitioner and Reiki master-teacher with a love of holistic practices to enhance your wellbeing.

She works with people to free themselves from their grief struggles including through cancer so they can move through life with more ease, confidence, love and joy, all while honouring their loved ones and themselves in their own unique way.

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Get your free EFT Tapping for Grief Guide here